


The Higher You Get, The Deeper You Fall

by spacegirlstuff



Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [1]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Heavy Angst, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Human Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), I have no idea, M/M, Not Beta Read, Not really though, Suicide Attempt, Supernatural coda fic, Tragedy, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, post 15x17, sorry!!!, why did i write this???, you can here me crying
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:14:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27401023
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacegirlstuff/pseuds/spacegirlstuff
Summary: It started with Cas disappearing for hours at once, sneaking out of the bunker during the night time when he thought the hunter had finally gone to bed. At exactly 3:20 am each night Dean would hear the ex-angels’ soft footsteps as he walked past the hunters’ room, stopping at the kitchen to grab a bite and then walking out of the bunker.But then Cas stopped coming home for days together. That is when Dean started to get worried.~~~Just something that I think would have happened if the whole plan to use Jack as a black hole to suck god hadn't failed.(I haven't considered the whole Billies' plan to become the new god and putting things back to the way they were.)
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester
Series: Supernatural Season 15 Codas [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2003515
Kudos: 15





	The Higher You Get, The Deeper You Fall

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings: This contains attempt to suicide and use of drugs and alcohol so if you find that triggering then please stop reading this right now!!!**  
>  I kind of rushed myself to complete this before tonight's episode because I have absolutely no idea if I'm gonna survive it.... wish me luck....  
> Lets hope we all survive!!!!

It started with Cas disappearing for hours at once, sneaking out of the bunker during the night time when he thought the hunter had finally gone to bed. At exactly  _ 3:20 am _ each night Dean would hear the ex-angels’ soft footsteps as he walked past the hunters’ room, stopping at the kitchen to grab a bite and then walking out of the bunker. It didn’t bother Dean much. Thinking the angel just wanted to go out to get some fresh air, he didn’t question it. Dean figured that the angel would tell him what was up when he was comfortable. Dean thought it would be all fine, and so he let it slide.

But then Cas stopped coming home for days together. That is when Dean started to get worried. He wanted to walk up to the man and ask him where he’d been, but he was in no position to question anything anyone did, especially the angel. After Jack, he could hardly look the angel in the eye. 

After Jack, he could hardly look at himself in the mirror, knowing that he was the same person who let the Nephilim become a bomb and go through a suicide mission in the name of saving the world. He was the same person who had encouraged the Nephilim to do it and now Lucifers’ sons’ blood was on Deans’ hands. Dean had never taken himself for the person who could ever look a three-year-old in the eye and tell him he was not family. Jack had been nothing more than an innocent child. A child who looked up at Dean, admired him, wanted to be like him, wanted to be accepted by him. Jack was his son, and all Dean ever did was tell the young boy that he was not family.

But he had, he had let his brain overrule his heart and now he was paying for his choices. All alone in the ancient fortress, the coldness crept over him, pulling him into an endless ocean of nothing. He didn’t want to be reminded of his loneliness with every door he passed, thus he retreated back into his room. He couldn’t eat, could barely sleep, couldn’t find the energy to do anything, and so he sat there staring at the dark corner of his room, hoping the shadows would swallow him.

He wouldn’t have moved if the heavy thud of someone falling didn’t shake him from his trance. Dean rushed out to the war room to find Cas lying on the bottom of the metal staircase, bloodshot eyes fixed on the hunter as he helped the intoxicated man, leading him to bed, making sure that he got some sleep. And later, when the hunter cautiously extracted the hem of his shirt from the sleeping mans’ grasp, he decided not to dwell over it.

Cas was lost, and Dean was prepared to help the man no matter what it took. Cas had given up everything he had so that they could defeat Chuck and now Dean had resolved to talk to his best friend, do whatever he can to make it better. The hunter had a few hours of fitful sleep that night, only to finally wake up to an empty bunker and no sign of the other occupant.

Dean stayed at the kitchen table that day, calling the ex-angel, asking him where he was, pleading for him to return home. Dean waited throughout the night and then the next one, half-empty cups of coffee spread out on the table.

On the third day, Castiel did walk back in through the bunker doors, but in a way, he never truly returned. He looked like the same person whom Dean had spent the last decade next to, but he was not _ his Cas.  _ What walked into the bunker that day was a shell of the person whom Dean considered his family. 

Castiel did look the same but his blue eyes didn’t shine like they used to, they didn’t reflect in the yellow lights of the bunker like they used to; they didn’t hold the warmth that Dean had gotten used to. Instead, they looked hollow, empty, broken, lost. They reminded Dean of another pair of eyes he had seen almost a lifetime ago, clouded and glossy, filled with nothing but despair, dull and lifeless blue rimmed with red. 

_ Those eyes belonged to a different person, a person who was so broken that he could never be fixed.  _

They belonged to a different Castiel, a Castiel that had nothing to live for, nothing to fight for.

_ They belonged to a Castiel who was stuck in a world about to end. _

Dean could feel his breath shorten, his heart rate rise, his hands shake. He felt the panic settle in his bones, but all he could do is look into the blue eyes. The eyes that made him want to flinch away, to hide, to die. And the blue eyes stared back at him, watching him shake, watching him tremble, watching him break down. The blue eyes kept staring at him, and that was all. No warm hand came to touch his shoulder, and no voice asked him if he was alright.

_ No one moved, no one uttered a word, no one looked away and the coldness only grew.  _

After that night, Castiel stopped hiding what he did from Dean. He would go out anytime he wanted, not caring if the hunter saw him only to return days later smelling like smoke and alcohol. He would stumble back into his room, never to notice the eyes that would watch him from the shadows of the room.

Dean noticed the sweet smell of perfume sticking to the ex-angels’ skin whenever they brushed past in the hallways, a dark red hickey peeking from the collar of his crumpled shirt. Each time, the scent changed and soon, the hunter did everything he could to avoid the other man.

They didn’t talk anymore. The only indication that the other was still around was the cup of coffee in the morning and the plate of supper at night, both placed on the kitchen counter with no note in sight.

Dean knew that he should have called Sam a long time ago informing about the ex-angels addiction. But Dean couldn’t bear to hear the voice of the boy he raised just to point a gun at him. He couldn’t bear to look at the face of his little brother after almost killing him. He couldn’t bear to look into the hazel eyes that he’d seen all his life, only to find nothing but the walls guarding the carefree expression that he loved.

_ And because he couldn’t face the consequences of his actions, he never called. _

_ He didn’t speak a word to anyone as he watched the man he loved slip through his fingers; he stayed quiet as the man he loved fell in every way possible; he turned away while the man he loved destroyed himself. _

A few days later, the best hunter in the country stepped into his room, only to never step back out ever again. He laid down on his bed, welcoming the numbness that rushed through him as the pills kicked in, his thoughts fading away until all he could see was  _ blue eyes rimmed with red. _

**Author's Note:**

> Don't ask me what I wrote because I honestly have no idea either.  
> I'm sorry for not posting in the last few days. My exams are going on and I really need to study so....  
> Hope you like it! Comment down to tell me what you feel.  
> I'm thinking of taking up prompts and stuff so tell me if you have any ideas.
> 
> And I am thinking of getting a beta reader of sorts like just to go through it once and correct the spelling and help me and stuff because I'm absolutely shit at spellings and grammar. So if you are interested then please comment down below or you can message me on my [tumblr!](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/spacegirlstuff)  
> See you soon!!!  
> Bye!


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